34 Funny Stoner Quotes to Brighten Your Day

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34 Funny Quotes to Uplift Your Stoner Spirits

Whether you’re down, glum, or merely fancy a giggle, turn to our funny stoner quotes to put a smile on your dial. Evidence shows that cannabis grown from the female ganja seeds here can improve your mood. Toking on a joint or nibbling an edible might also turn your frown upside down.  Marijuana has links to historical figures like Ramses II, JFK, Joan of Arc, Shakespeare, and an astonishing quota of American leaders. 

We start our presentation of trippy stoner quotes with a few nuggets from former US presidents. 

  1. “I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette is equal in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb blast.” – Ronald Reagan

  1. “I don’t think pot is more dangerous than alcohol.” – Barack Obama

  1. “Two of my favorite things are sitting on my front porch smoking a pipe of sweet hemp and playing my Hohner harmonica.” – Abraham Lincoln

  1. “Make the most you can of the Indian hemp seed and sow it everywhere.” – George Washington

  1. “When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t inhale it.” – Bill Clinton

  1. “I never understood that line. The point was to inhale. That was the point.” – Barack Obama

Celebrities have also held firm views on marijuana for ages. They’re not shy about sharing their stoner quotes and sayings, either.

  1. “I have always loved marijuana. It has been a source of joy and comfort to me for many years. And I still think of it as a basic staple of life, along with beer and ice and grapefruits — and millions of Americans agree with me.” – Hunter S. Thompson

  1. “The biggest killer on the planet is stress, and I still think the best medicine is and always has been cannabis.” – Willie Nelson

  1. “If somebody gives me a joint, I might smoke it, but I don’t go after it.” – John Lennon

  1. “It’s hard to be mean when you’re stoned.” – Bill Lee

  1. “It really puzzles me to see marijuana connected with narcotics… dope and all that crap. It’s a thousand times better than whiskey — it’s an assistant — a friend.” – Louis Armstrong

  1. “One’s condition on marijuana is always existential. One can feel the importance of each moment and how it is changing.” – Norman Mailer

  1. “Instead of taking five or six of the prescriptions, I decided to go a natural route and smoke marijuana.” – Melissa Etheridge

The reach of weed means most people have both experience and educated opinions. Cannabis prohibition eventually failed, but it took 85 years. Citizens of all kinds spoke out heroically, producing several funny stoner quotes.

  1. “Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit… unnatural?” – Bill Hicks

  1. “The illegality of cannabis is outrageous, an impediment to full utilization of a drug which helps produce the serenity and insight, sensitivity, and fellowship so desperately needed in this increasingly mad and dangerous world.” – Carl Sagan

  1. “That is not a drug. It’s a leaf.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

  1. “The legalization of marijuana is not a dangerous experiment—the prohibition is the experiment, and it has failed dramatically, with millions of victims all around the world.” – Sebastian Marincolo

  1. “Bring the brothers home, and sisters home now. Legalize marijuana and take all that money and invest it in teachers and in education. You will see a transformation in America.” – Carlos Santana

  1. “Legalizing marijuana would make a lot of sense, I don’t think there’s a single case of marijuana overdose on record and tens of millions of users. It’s much less dangerous than alcohol, for example.” – Noam Chomsky

  1. “Prison is for rapists, thieves, and murderers. If you lock someone up for smoking a plant that makes them happy, then you’re the fucking criminal.” – Joe Rogan

What about the stereotypical pothead quotes? These remind us of iconic stoner movies like Up in Smoke and Dazed and Confused. 

  1. “A friend with weed is a friend indeed, and a friend who shares is a friend who cares.” – Unknown

  1. “If we all had a bong, we’d all get along.” – Unknown

  1. “Alcohol kills. Weed chills.” – Unknown (weed quotes)

  1. “Let us burn one from end to end, and pass it over to me, my friend.” – Ben Harper

  1. “I smoke two joints before I smoke two joints. And then I smoke two more.” – Sublime

  1. “I got 99 problems and 420 solutions.” – Unknown

  1. “Here’s the point – you’re looking at affirmative action, and you’re looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who’s gonna wanna work?” – Jon Stewart

Our bonus section offers those with time on their hands deep, thought-provoking short stoner sayings. 

  1. “Don’t worry, don’t cry. Smoke weed and get high.” – Unknown (Weed captions)

  1. “If you ever miss 4:20, just wait until 4:22. Because 4:22 is 4:20, too.” – Unknown

  1. “When you smoke the herb, it reveals you to yourself.” – Bob Marley

  1. “I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about getting weed is getting caught with it.” – Bill Murray

  1. “I used to smoke marijuana. But I’ll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening—or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, mid-evening, and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-mid-afternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning…But never at dusk.” – Steve Martin

  1. “So what if I’m smokin’ weed onstage and doing what I gotta do? It’s not me shooting nobody, stabbing nobody, killing nobody. It’s a peaceful gesture, and they have to respect that and appreciate that.” – Snoop Dogg

  1. “I don’t smoke marijuana, man. Marijuana is a girl from Cuba. Ganja is a bird from Australia. I smoke herb.” – Peter Tosh

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